


I’d Rather Feel Nothing At All

by SparklingSoul



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drinking & Talking, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23984989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparklingSoul/pseuds/SparklingSoul
Summary: | tag to 5x10 | Zari is dealing with her own feelings of doubt and guilt when she discovers that even an exorcist can have demons- and feelings.
Relationships: John Constantine/Zari Tomaz | Zari Tarazi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 73





	I’d Rather Feel Nothing At All

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Back again so soon because I’m kind of obsessed with these two rn and wanted to write another fic before the next episode airs. I had an idea for this, but it kind of just went it’s own way...

_“I clung to your hands so that something human might exist in the chaos.” - Hélène Cixous_

* * *

  
  
It's late. Late enough that the rambunctious Legends are sound asleep. Or most of them, that is.

The ship is eerie silent as Zari walks down the hall from her room, but the constant noise of her own thoughts keep her from noticing. Subconsciously rubbing the scarlet air totem, thoughts of her brother run through her head repeatedly.

 _"Take care of our family,"_ The original Zari had asked her, right before Behrad died. That Zari wouldn't have let that happen, that Zari would've brought Behrad back by now.

 _"We're getting him back. There's no point in dwelling on it because everything's gonna be fine,"_ she had told Nate, refusing to even consider the possibility of failure. But in reality, Zari had been using that fake confidence to convince herself; to distract herself from the chilling fear that she doesn't have what it takes to save her brother. That she doesn't have what Zari 1.0 has...

Still lost in her thoughts, Zari arrived at the kitchen and flicked on the lights. As the room was illuminated, it revealed a figure sitting at the table.

"GAH!" Zari shrieked in surprise, before quickly recognizing the figure as the one and only John Constantine. _Great,_ she thought, _another person that I'm trying to get off my mind._

She didn't know how she felt about the sorcerer after being trapped together in a 1910's boarding house along with deadly encores. On one hand, she still held him accountable for Behrad's death, but on the other...something had happened between the two that she didn't understand. Or didn't want to understand, at least not now anyway.

"Didn't mean to scare ya, love," came the slightly slurred apology, which didn't sound very genuine.

Wrapping her silk bathrobe around herself, Zari cautiously walked a few steps closer. "What are you doing up so late? Sitting alone in the dark, I might add," she questioned in annoyance.

"What I do at unearthly hours of the night is none of your business," John smirked, bringing a bottle of liquor to his lips.

Zari rolled her eyes in disgust, realizing he was drunk, "You really need to stop drinking. I'm serious. You can't just drink all your problems away."

"I can try. Alcohol's the only constant in my life, sweetheart."

"You know, there are better solutions your problems." He looked amused, "Oh yeah? And why did you come 'ere at this time? I assume you don't wake up this early. 'ow did you plan to cope with your own demons? Hmm?"

Zari narrowed her eyes at him before walking over to the fabrication device. "I felt the need for some herbal tea," she stated, punching in the request, "A much healthier option, if you ask me." She didn't mention that she had planned on sneaking a donut or two.

"Ah, of course," he smirked, shaking his head as Zari retrieved her tea and joined him at the table.

The two sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, each wrapped up in their own thoughts, before John finally spoke, "I never meant for this to happen. Any of this. I was so determined to fix what happened to Astra that I was willing to put you all in 'arms way," John swallowed," and now, Sara's in a coma and Behrad's dead." 

John made eye contact with Zari," I'm sorry about your brother. I really am."

Zari didn't entirely blame John, but it felt nice to hear a sincere apology from him. It gave her some sort of closure that she’d needed from him.

Looking back down at the table and taking another sip, John went on, "Now, seeing Astra again, I just- I don't know. I've let her down so many times," he closed his eyes, and Zari could see the pain and guilt written across his face,"I can't fail her again. I couldn't live with it."

Despite only having been on the ship for a short period of time, Zari already knew how guarded the warlock was, and his open confession surprised her. She wanted to say say something to reassure him, but knew he needed her to listen rather than speak.

"I damned my own soul to hell and I ruin the lives of almost everyone I love, so I've already accepted that I won't find lasting happiness in my life," a bitter laugh escaping his lips,"but if I could change Astra's fate, mend what I did to her and her mother, that-that would be enough." He nodded to himself and Zari was shocked to see tears forming in his eyes as he stared down at the table.

Overwhelmed with sympathy, Zari reached over to gently place her hand over his. At her touch, John raised his eyes to hers.

Now gazing directly into his sad eyes, Zari noticed how soft and vulnerable he looked, "Listen to me, we have all the pieces of the Loom. We're going to use it and we're going to save Astra and Behrad." The words were meant to comfort John, but she felt comforted herself.

“I believe in that," she paused, hesitating," I believe in you. You have to believe in yourself, too."

Zari suddenly felt aware of how cheesy that sounded, but was relieved when John smiled at her with genuine appreciation in his eyes, curling his fingers around hers,"You're down right magical, you are."

"Considering that's coming from the self proclaimed 'greatest sorcerer that ever lived' that must be saying something."

"Aye, that it is," he laughed, before his voice dropped to a more serious tone,"You're special, Zari."

Zari could see that he was being genuine from the solemn, admiring look in his eyes and she quickly glanced away, feeling her face warm. _Special_ , coming from John Constantine; somehow that meant more than all the praise she got from her millions of Z-Nation followers.

The influencer managed to collect herself enough to keep up her Miss Confident persona and reply,"Believe me, I know. You don't exactly build your own multimillion dollar social media empire by age 15 without being special." She smiled jokingly to let him know she wasn't that self absorbed.

"You mean your Chit Chat or SnapCat or whatever?"

"Cat Chat," she corrected him.

"Right. I 'ave no idea what that is. But you are special just being you," he drunkenly pointed at her, before beginning to list her qualities on his fingers," You're graceful, confident, witty, and brave and-and soooo bloody gorgeous. Like, you just walk in the room and it lights up like you're the bloody sun."

Zari knew it was the alcohol talking, but she was still touched, blushing a little.

A goofy grin spread across John's face, "Come to think of it, though, you do kind of remind me of a cat."

Zari couldn't help but let out a laugh at his random comment. John chuckled along with her, laying his head on her shoulder. She stilled at the action, glancing down to see that he had closed his eyes.

"I like cats," he mumbled against her.

* * *

  
Zari let him rest against her for several minutes, before deciding that they should really get some sleep so they were ready for whatever tomorrow would bring. Not to mention she would rather not wait for someone to wake up and find them sleeping at the kitchen table together.

"John," she spoke softly,"John, you should get some rest. Like, in your bed, and not on my shoulder."

"No thanks, love. I'm quite comfortable right 'ere."

"John. I'm serious," she said, trying not to smile at how cute he was being (wait did she just think of him as cute??).

John's eyes cracked open to look up at her, "Oh, alright," he grumbled.

John got to his feet, only swaying slightly. "Now, where's my room at again?" he teased.

Standing up, Zari took the liquor bottle from his hands to put it away,"I think we both know you're not _that_ drunk" she chided and John grinned.

"Hopefully enough that you won't remember much of tonight, at least," she added.

"Aw, I 'ope I do," he replied, giving Zari a lopsided, sleepy grin.

" _Goodnight_." She said pointedly, getting annoyed.

John reached for her hand, bringing it to his lips for him to kiss softly,"Goodnight, love."

Once again, Zari wanted to get angry at him, but found him rather charming instead. She turned away from him, towards the kitchen counter and tried to slip her hand out of his grasp, but he held on.

She looked back over to see that John's eyes had softened and he was smiling sadly," Nate's a lucky bloke to 'ave a lass like you."

Zari's heart clenched at his words and she wanted to tell him that she didn't like Nate that way. She wanted to tell John that he deserved to be happy and that she didn't know what these feelings she had for him were, feelings she knew he had for her too, but she was willing to find out.

But this wasn't the right time.

Instead, she turned away, successfully this time, and slipped her hand out from his. "Goodnight, John," she spoke with finality, but much softer this time.

Zari waited until his footsteps had faded away to close her eyes and let out the breath she didn't realize she had been holding.

She stood there for a moment, realizing that she felt more confused and frustrated than before. Then, glancing at the liquor bottle on the counter next to her, she thought that maybe John's coping mechanism wasn't such a bad idea after all. Not the alcohol part, but the mind numbing.

Tea in hand, Zari sat back down at the table, alone with her own thoughts again. She knew she had to figure this -whatever this was- out and, she's going to, eventually. But for right now, she just takes a deep breath, and let's the warm liquid lull her mind to sleep and take all these thoughts away from her.


End file.
